Points Tally

(Written by a man)
In the world of romance, one single rule applies to the men: Make the woman
happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she
dislikes, and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing
something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system
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SIMPLE DUTIES:
You make the bed. (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow. (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants. (+5)
In the rain. (+10)
But return with beer. (-15)
You check out a suspicious noise at night. (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing. (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something. (+5)
You pummel it with an iron rod. (+10)
It's her pet. (-25)
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SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS:
You stay by her side for the entire party. (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
buddy. (-2)
Named Tina. (-4)
Tina is a dancer. (-10)
Tina has breast implants. (-80)
Really big breast implants. (-200)
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HER BIRTHDAY:
You take her out to dinner. (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar. (+1)
Okay, it is a sports bar. (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night. (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face
is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)
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A NIGHT OUT:
You take her to a movie. (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes. (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)
You take her to a movie you like. (-2)
And it's called "Death Cop". (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans that was
featured on "Oprah". (-15)
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YOUR PHYSIQUE:
You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts. (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-10,000)
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ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION:
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
[Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT you say.]
You hesitate in responding. (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response. (-20)
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COMMUNICATION:
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what
looks like a concerned _expression. (0)
You listen for over 30 minutes. (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-5,000)